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Monday, 14 May 2012

  • Who I am

    I am a pessimistic, insecure, lazy, shy, dreamer. I am also sometimes hopeful and a generally happy person because I've been lucky in life. And I don't deserve it. I look at the student, the classmate, who studies and works so hard and does well in school and in life and I envy them because they can handle it. This summer I had a list of goals that I wanted to accomplish. I got into summer classes which was the most important of the goals and I'm still hoping to volunteer at Garfield Medical Center, but I don't know if I am going to get a job even though I should. I just don't like to have to quit in August when school starts. Also I didn't like working last summer. 

    And yet, I can't help comparing myself to a bunch of people who have already found summer jobs and are excellent students and human beings. I don't feel like I deserve a place at a prestigious four year institution while people smarter than me are stuck in community colleges and struggling to make ends meet. And my cousin who seems to be doing better in college than me - she's majoring in either computer or accounting but either way she's going to find a job as soon as she graduates with her bachelor's degree. Me? What am I going to do with a bachelor's degree in biology? And with less than competitive grades to apply for medical school?

    I don't deserve to be lucky enough to go to college when I don't know how to focus. I am a dreamer. I'm sometimes a doer, not often enough.

    I dream to be by myself in my own apartment or loft with modern and old furniture with interior designs taken from a magazine, in the city nestled in a lively neighborhood with interesting people, food, music, and books. I want to move out of the house. I don't know how my mom will handle that.

    My dad wants to buy a new car. That he will let me use, and mom will use my current car, and dad will use her current car because his 90's Honda Odyssey is costing him too much with the repairs and the gas. I was against it because he wasn't able to pay for my car insurance this term. I didn't want mom to pay it either so I went to pay for it on my own and I paid for mom's too as her mother's day present. Anyways I feel that if he wasn't prepared to pay for my insurance when there was an unexpected financial strain this month, why would he think of leasing a new car? My mom told me in the morning that he just wants to not drive the old Honda anymore and that an old car is not much cheaper than a new one nowadays.